Clarity and Homecoming

I worry
I weigh three times my body
I worry
I throw my fear around

But this morning
There's a calm I can't explain
The rock candy's melted
Only diamonds now remain

By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light pretending
That it somehow lingers on

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When it won't and it won't cos it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to

Was there a second of time I looked around
Should I sail though or drop my anchor down
Is anything enough to kiss the ground
And say I am here now and she is here now

So much waisted in the afternoon
So much sacred in the month of June
How bout you?

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
That it won't and it won't and it won't
And I will pay no mind
Worry 'bout no rainy weather
And I will waste no time
We may not live our lives together


The above lyrics are from the song "Clarity" by John Mayer and it's my song of the moment. The same way that "Hey There Delilah" by the Plain White T's was my song of moving out to New York, "Clarity" is my song about going home. In case you haven't heard yet, I'm on my way home in less than 12 hours. Home to stay. I'm VERY excited about it! As excited, if not more so, than I was to move out here (because this time I know what to expect!).
It has taken me approximately three months of city life to realize it's not for me. I don't like the people, or the pace. Don't get me wrong, I still LOVE New York City and it will always be one of my favorite cities in the world, but I don't care for living here. Now, a lot of people have told me that I didn't give it a chance and that I'm just homesick. Maybe to an extent those things are true. But I know that out here, right now, I can't live the life I would like to have in this city. I can't have have the things I want or the kind of place I want. And right now, having a calm, stable life is what is important to me. I feel comfortable in this move that I'm not leaving in defeat, but in my own terms. I know I could have stayed and done well at American Girl, or at any number of jobs that I have looked into and had positive response for. I think that eventually I could have had enough money to afford a place that's nice (like Zach's is! Oh my goodness!) and been able to afford the perks of living in the city (like a MoMA pass, the BEST place ever!!!), and maybe I'm too impatient, but I want to be happy now. I want to feel comfortable with where I am in my life now and I know that is farther off here than in La Crosse. So, home I go, in time for Christmas and Midsummer Night's Dream. In time to spend time with Jared before he leaves for Germany and then the desert. In time to actually enjoy living instead of feeling like I'm on hold like I have in my time here.
Now, I just have to learn how to really kick start life in La Crosse. I need a real job, hopefully one that I can enjoy. I need a routine. That's what I'm going to work on when I get home!
So you all know, I plan to keep up the blog, just find a new title for it. And keep an eye out for TONS of Christmas pictures and touristy things I've done in the past few days!